Thursday Thirteen #2
13 Things About Dane Bramage
13 Reasons Why I Am Going to Have Bariatric Surgery
Five years ago I contemplated the idea of Bariatric surgery. Well more than contemplated it. I actually joined the program and saw the doctors and dietitians, the whole nine yards. What kept me from going through with it was insurance. My plan would not cover it. Well that has changed and I am in the program again. This time it looks very likely my insurance will cover it this time. In honor of that I am listing 13 reasons why I chose/need to have Bariatric surgery.
- At the dinner table I sit next to everybody. Same thing at the theater.
- My belt size is "Equator" I have to put it on with a boomerang.
- My cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard. Sometimes I just eat from a satellite dish.
- My driver's license picture says "continued on other side". And it is an aerial shot to boot!
- When I jump into the air I get stuck. I can't even jump to a conclusion.
- I caught a flesh-eating virus and the doctor gave me 10 years to live.
- I have to iron my pants in the driveway
- At the zoo, elephants throw me peanuts. Still not as bad as having Greenpeace try to roll me back into the ocean when I sunbath.
- I have smaller fat men orbiting me.
- Once I went missing and they used all four sides of the milk carton.
- I have my own zip code. And my butt has its own congressman!
- My belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
- At restaurants I don't get a menu, I get an estimate.
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